[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
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me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”