[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
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I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?