My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
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I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
This is me
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh