6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
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OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Children of the corn 🌽
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I am also baked goods
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT