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nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.