Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business