I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
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Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
what?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild