JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
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Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Me trying to look natural in photos
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate