Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
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i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Pizza is an emotion right?
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!