I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
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“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
me, after any kind of buffet.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.