I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
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are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
peak technology
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!