[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
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Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Friday night party time 🥳
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?