dutch so unserious
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[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Last-minute gift idea!
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.