the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
You Might Also Like
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier