i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
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“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”