JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
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Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
new shirt idea
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
The French word for sex is croissant.