At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
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I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job