I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
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Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?