Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
what day is it?
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.