Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
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did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch