The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
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Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin