Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
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Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Breaking news:
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.