William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
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God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Never mess with a drunken pig.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.