NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
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when the buffet is more honest than your date
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
The French word for sex is croissant.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.