Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
The Weeknd is back
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock