If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.