Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
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“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
oh you wanna fight?!
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
B
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.