Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister