I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
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Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Very good news from my accountant
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food