Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
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Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about