My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
You Might Also Like
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Ion see the issue
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha