Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
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I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Penguins walking in 5x speed
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.