My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
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Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Dune (2021)
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.