ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
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For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Not all heroes wear capes…
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
With this onion ring, I thee fed
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.