Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
You Might Also Like
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.