Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much