Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
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I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always