The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
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What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Cannot stop laughing at this
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Miscakes
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
😩😩😩
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.