Born to be mild.
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God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.