I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
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You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Ken is short for chicken
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
In Canada they just call them geese
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.