Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
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My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Who says great literature is dead?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.