“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
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Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite