I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
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wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
This is my cat’s medicine.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I want this so bad
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time