me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
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Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”