Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
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I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING