Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
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Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?