Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.