*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
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i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life