Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
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Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will