The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
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Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I am a gravy boat captain
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days